Obama Speech on Iraq, Rewritten

Obama Speech on Iraq, Rewritten
by WOTN Editor
Obama’s new speech on Iraq, as written by me. My future as a speechwriter starts here. I like to capture the true essence of the one’s positions and personal beliefs in writing for others.
My Dear Americans, I have chosen this moment to declare the “combat mission” in Iraq is over. Our Troops will still be in harm’s way and there will still be shots fired by and at them, but I made a campaign promise to “end the war” and have ALL Troops out within 16 months, without precondition. This speech is designed to claim my promise fulfilled, though I did nothing to achieve the current successes in Iraq, nor to overcome the challenges that persist there. In fact, the current Troop levels were not my doing either. I inherited that from President Bush, just as I did the decreased violence there.
As such, I will stick with my strong suit. I would like to apologize on behalf of myself, my party, and the partisan divide which opposed the Strategy that brought us the Sustained Success and allows us to reduce the number of sacrifices of Our Troops in Iraq. I would like to apologize for stirring up anti-Iraq and anti-Victory partisanship that divided Our Nation and nearly caused a defeat despite those sacrifices and Victories.
I would like to extend a special apology to General David Petraeus, who, despite my insolence, my resistance, and my profiting from personal attacks on him, refused to give up. I owe the General great respect, gratitude, and apology because despite my partisan inspired attacks, he maintains integrity to this Nation and a commitment to Victory. Bottom line is that he believes in these values sufficiently to take a demotion to achieve them when my butt was in a sling.
I would like to apologize to the Iraqi people, who are on the precipice of peace and democracy, but that my own stubborness prevents me from changing from my course. I have to admit I am at a loss for words on how to spin the current political logjam in Iraq into what I want to claim as a personal victory. I did after all say that Iraq needed a political solution and during my tenure it has fallen into political disarray. To speed that along, I sent the master of political gaffes to Baghdad, where he can claim that I didn’t use the key phrase “turn the page,” in my previous speech. I apologize because Biden is the best we can do to end the political impasse and we sent him at a time of our convenience rather than recognize the cultural significance that now is not the time. We hope that if we threaten them with either increased visits or a long term stay by him, they’ll break down and form a government, just to get him out of Baghdad. Having to deal with him on a regular basis, I can tell you, this is a workable strategy.
I feel a special need to apologize to the Iraqi people, because Saddam was truly a sadistic tyrant and I know for a fact he had WMD, because I’ve suppressed reports that we’re still finding them. We’re leaving the destruction of those munitions to the Iraqis now. And the fact that all crime and terrorism in Iraq kills half of what Saddam averaged in every month, in Iraqi Civilians alone, of his reign is not my fault. I inherited that from Bush.
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Wild Thing’s comment………..
Wow this is GREAT, can you see Obama saying this…. I know it would never happen. But I love how it is written and it sure as heck is an IF ONLY. But then Obama would have to be someone else completely.